Friends, Indeed.

So ever since I can remember I've always wanted to travel.

When I was very young I think I dreamed of the stereotypical places...New York, Paris, London.

Then I matured a bit and wanted to go to all of Europe.

In fact I dreamed that I would find this amazing job where I would do nothing but travel and meet beautiful new people (pretty sure my social skills were better then), eat all kinds of food, listen to music wildly different than American pop, and just in general get paid to be cool and have foreign experiences.

(On a side note, if anyone knows of such a job I can have my application ready in 2 minutes).

But the thing is (and this may shock some of you)...but this desire to travel has always made me resistant to putting down roots. In fact, you may even say to some degree I've been afraid of commitment...relationships, job, long term plans.

*GASP*

I know. Its definitely something I'm working on. Let's just keep in mind we're not all perfect. Me especially.

Anyhow, this kind of prevented me from having healthy friendships.

And I take all the responsibility for letting a few friendships that did go bad allow me to shrink back from people who really cared.

Like any other teenager, I tried to reach out to some people, put a lot of care and thought into relationships, and things went awry.

I blamed myself and drove myself almost crazy wondering what I had done instead of learning to forgive that person and forgive myself. I let hurt consume me to the point that I literally desired no social interactions in fear that I would get hurt again.

It's not until now when I look back at high school or thoroughly evaluate some of my mannerisms and characteristics that I realize that I'd let myself get offended, I'd allowed myself to get hurt, and that it caused this huge problem in my personality.

I'm fixing it. And I don't mean by withdrawing socially, or by "not letting people hurt me" in the sense that I act like a jerk or become my own self defense. But by realizing that I will have a multitude of opportunities to be hurt and to hurt others. And that I should pass on both.

Because we don't really always know the full story of what others are going through. And I can't control how people treat me, but I can control how I act to how other people treat me.

So I've decided that it is much better to not let a word misspoken or an action misinterpreted stick a knife inside of me. Forgiveness is the only option. Learning to love people and to stop fearing a negative outcome is something I'm going to have to learn.

But I know its worth it. Because I have some amazing people in my life who, no matter how many times I turned them down when they wanted me to hang out, no matter how joyless and unhappy I was, no matter how much we were polar opposites, they persisted, somehow made it over the walls of my heart and I've come to truly love them.

They've taught me so much. They've listened to me (and in some cases I'm pretty sure you could say that it was more like a therapy session than it was hanging out) and inspired me to be that persistent friend who disregards the 100 times you decline an offer. They saw through my sarcastic and super ego fronts and I tried to put up and uncovered a vulnerable broken person who had been carrying too much hurt and drinking too much poison in the form of bitterness towards people.

Here's the thing: people will let you down. Friends will too. I know I've let a lot of people down. But love them anyway. I'm thankful for the people in my life who have loved me regardless of my  extreme shyness, my lack of social skills, my resistance to investing into a relationship.

Like I said, I'm a work in progress. And this is definitely something I'm working on. Losing all the fear, all the bitterness, all the rejection. And learning to forgive and love and move on. Thanks to all those who have been so patient with me through it all :) Thank you for being a friend.

Spring.

Spring could possibly be my favorite time of year. And I'm going to take a few lines to wax poetic about it.

I have loved spring ever since I can remember.
I love waking up on soft spring mornings and standing in the door, looking out at newness of life as both warm and cool breezes envelope me.
I could smell dirt after a gentle rain in the night as the sun's rays gently warmed the tender grass.

The days shake off winter's chill and become slowly and steadily wrapped in a quiet warmth which fades with the glowing sun as it sinks into the west. And then the moon comes into vision and clouds roll over the sky as stars burst and shine.

Deep in the distance the skies let out low rolls of thunder and the heavens pour out cleansing rain to water earth which has long been sleeping.

As spring creeps closer to summer, the tree branches release tiny buds and the flowers and seeds long at rest awake and break from the ground.

I love spring.

And while most people focus on how amazing summer is, spring has captured my heart.

What most people don't understand is that spring is the crucial launching pad to summer. For months the harsh bitterness of winter has reigned as the earth and all those things living on it have spent the months at rest. Trees reluctantly shed their leaves to become bare and flowers slowly recede back into a deathlike slumber as blankets of snow fall and cover sleeping grasses.

And then most people have the general misconception of the gentle subtlety of spring. They see the pale pink buds of Japanese cherry blossoms or the small blooms of crocuses or a tightly closed tulip and assume that spring is a gentle kiss on the forehead after a long dark night.

But what is happening inside those trees and underneath the ground is an explosion of growth...we only see that growth which breaks through the surface of the earth and graces us with its presence.

But I've found something similar happen within myself.

In light of a chaotic and harsh winter, literally in regards to the weather, and metaphorically in my life and within myself, I have found myself that spring, indeed, has also come.

I have found that I have grown, in my thoughts and in my heart. I have escaped the bitter bareness of December and have slipped into the gentle rains of April.

Some of the change within my soul has broken the surface. I have a love for people and an appreciation for them. I have grown out of my selfish ways and have found great purpose and meaning in helping others and putting their needs above my own.

There is a duality present in nature: there is great fragility, but even greater strength. And in these times of intense growth I have thought myself fragile and vulnerable, only to be awakened to my strength in Christ and his Divine ability to see me through.

Growth can also often be painful. It can seem difficult. We are forced to release that which is dead and pluck away any unproductive growth. And then we have to heal. We have to develop and create. We have to prepare for new growth. Like a tree, branches and limbs must be strengthened and new ones formed to support the great harvest of fruit. This is the destiny of any seed...to grow up and become the mighty tree that was patterned into its DNA

And that's truth for us also. We have to grow. If we are not growing, we are decaying into death. Unproductive growth must be cut off and the dead layers from years past must be cast off. And then we must heal. We must strengthen ourselves to support all the capacity we were designed to handle.

Finally, after the gentle rains have watered our roots, after a warm sun has shaken away winters chill and after the ground has surrendered all nutrients for our strength, then we are finally prepared for the intensity of summer and harvest.

I enjoy the glorious quiet strength of spring. That which is around me...but even more, the spring within.