Friends, Indeed.

So ever since I can remember I've always wanted to travel.

When I was very young I think I dreamed of the stereotypical places...New York, Paris, London.

Then I matured a bit and wanted to go to all of Europe.

In fact I dreamed that I would find this amazing job where I would do nothing but travel and meet beautiful new people (pretty sure my social skills were better then), eat all kinds of food, listen to music wildly different than American pop, and just in general get paid to be cool and have foreign experiences.

(On a side note, if anyone knows of such a job I can have my application ready in 2 minutes).

But the thing is (and this may shock some of you)...but this desire to travel has always made me resistant to putting down roots. In fact, you may even say to some degree I've been afraid of commitment...relationships, job, long term plans.

*GASP*

I know. Its definitely something I'm working on. Let's just keep in mind we're not all perfect. Me especially.

Anyhow, this kind of prevented me from having healthy friendships.

And I take all the responsibility for letting a few friendships that did go bad allow me to shrink back from people who really cared.

Like any other teenager, I tried to reach out to some people, put a lot of care and thought into relationships, and things went awry.

I blamed myself and drove myself almost crazy wondering what I had done instead of learning to forgive that person and forgive myself. I let hurt consume me to the point that I literally desired no social interactions in fear that I would get hurt again.

It's not until now when I look back at high school or thoroughly evaluate some of my mannerisms and characteristics that I realize that I'd let myself get offended, I'd allowed myself to get hurt, and that it caused this huge problem in my personality.

I'm fixing it. And I don't mean by withdrawing socially, or by "not letting people hurt me" in the sense that I act like a jerk or become my own self defense. But by realizing that I will have a multitude of opportunities to be hurt and to hurt others. And that I should pass on both.

Because we don't really always know the full story of what others are going through. And I can't control how people treat me, but I can control how I act to how other people treat me.

So I've decided that it is much better to not let a word misspoken or an action misinterpreted stick a knife inside of me. Forgiveness is the only option. Learning to love people and to stop fearing a negative outcome is something I'm going to have to learn.

But I know its worth it. Because I have some amazing people in my life who, no matter how many times I turned them down when they wanted me to hang out, no matter how joyless and unhappy I was, no matter how much we were polar opposites, they persisted, somehow made it over the walls of my heart and I've come to truly love them.

They've taught me so much. They've listened to me (and in some cases I'm pretty sure you could say that it was more like a therapy session than it was hanging out) and inspired me to be that persistent friend who disregards the 100 times you decline an offer. They saw through my sarcastic and super ego fronts and I tried to put up and uncovered a vulnerable broken person who had been carrying too much hurt and drinking too much poison in the form of bitterness towards people.

Here's the thing: people will let you down. Friends will too. I know I've let a lot of people down. But love them anyway. I'm thankful for the people in my life who have loved me regardless of my  extreme shyness, my lack of social skills, my resistance to investing into a relationship.

Like I said, I'm a work in progress. And this is definitely something I'm working on. Losing all the fear, all the bitterness, all the rejection. And learning to forgive and love and move on. Thanks to all those who have been so patient with me through it all :) Thank you for being a friend.

Spring.

Spring could possibly be my favorite time of year. And I'm going to take a few lines to wax poetic about it.

I have loved spring ever since I can remember.
I love waking up on soft spring mornings and standing in the door, looking out at newness of life as both warm and cool breezes envelope me.
I could smell dirt after a gentle rain in the night as the sun's rays gently warmed the tender grass.

The days shake off winter's chill and become slowly and steadily wrapped in a quiet warmth which fades with the glowing sun as it sinks into the west. And then the moon comes into vision and clouds roll over the sky as stars burst and shine.

Deep in the distance the skies let out low rolls of thunder and the heavens pour out cleansing rain to water earth which has long been sleeping.

As spring creeps closer to summer, the tree branches release tiny buds and the flowers and seeds long at rest awake and break from the ground.

I love spring.

And while most people focus on how amazing summer is, spring has captured my heart.

What most people don't understand is that spring is the crucial launching pad to summer. For months the harsh bitterness of winter has reigned as the earth and all those things living on it have spent the months at rest. Trees reluctantly shed their leaves to become bare and flowers slowly recede back into a deathlike slumber as blankets of snow fall and cover sleeping grasses.

And then most people have the general misconception of the gentle subtlety of spring. They see the pale pink buds of Japanese cherry blossoms or the small blooms of crocuses or a tightly closed tulip and assume that spring is a gentle kiss on the forehead after a long dark night.

But what is happening inside those trees and underneath the ground is an explosion of growth...we only see that growth which breaks through the surface of the earth and graces us with its presence.

But I've found something similar happen within myself.

In light of a chaotic and harsh winter, literally in regards to the weather, and metaphorically in my life and within myself, I have found myself that spring, indeed, has also come.

I have found that I have grown, in my thoughts and in my heart. I have escaped the bitter bareness of December and have slipped into the gentle rains of April.

Some of the change within my soul has broken the surface. I have a love for people and an appreciation for them. I have grown out of my selfish ways and have found great purpose and meaning in helping others and putting their needs above my own.

There is a duality present in nature: there is great fragility, but even greater strength. And in these times of intense growth I have thought myself fragile and vulnerable, only to be awakened to my strength in Christ and his Divine ability to see me through.

Growth can also often be painful. It can seem difficult. We are forced to release that which is dead and pluck away any unproductive growth. And then we have to heal. We have to develop and create. We have to prepare for new growth. Like a tree, branches and limbs must be strengthened and new ones formed to support the great harvest of fruit. This is the destiny of any seed...to grow up and become the mighty tree that was patterned into its DNA

And that's truth for us also. We have to grow. If we are not growing, we are decaying into death. Unproductive growth must be cut off and the dead layers from years past must be cast off. And then we must heal. We must strengthen ourselves to support all the capacity we were designed to handle.

Finally, after the gentle rains have watered our roots, after a warm sun has shaken away winters chill and after the ground has surrendered all nutrients for our strength, then we are finally prepared for the intensity of summer and harvest.

I enjoy the glorious quiet strength of spring. That which is around me...but even more, the spring within.

Only words?

"There are some words that come from so deep inside you that they stay within you forever, haunting you like a beautiful memory..."

As a former writer of poetry I can assure you this is truth. Regardless of whether I scribbled a few lines on a scrap piece of paper 5 years ago, some of those words flowed from so deep inside that I can never shake them. I am revisited by them every now and again, and sometimes those words float through my head like a melody, reminding me of my exact surroundings and life at the time that I wrote them.

Those words can be like a time machine....

It's quite extraordinary actually. Words, pieces of music, poetry or phrases have the ability to transport you. Some carry deep meaning because you have lived them, or you have given life to them. 

My poetry and writing used to be almost a form of therapy. I was never good at keeping diaries, but I could write poems and sonnets and songs. And for me it was much easier because I could play a character. I could be the heroine of my story or the damsel in distress. I could weave beautiful words or tragic tales and I didn't have to be me. 

This writing also coincided with my love of reading. Some nights I stayed up all night reading, racing through pages to finish a book, living and walking and breathing the lives of those characters. But its exhausting really to be yourself and a host of characters too. 

Since then I've matured and realized that it was time to take off the mask and stop pretending. But those words still have stayed with me. 

Words are powerful in that way. They tend to flow out of your heart and determine the path you will walk down. 

Which was precisely why I decided to stop masquerading. 

But what I find interesting about words is their creative ability. The right words formed in the right manner at the right time will paint an image inside of you that is ironically unspeakable beautiful. And wrong words in the wrong manner at the wrong time have the ability to crush and kill the spirit of a person. 

Words stay with you forever. And some scars are so deep they cannot be seen. But every painful second they are felt. 

Words become a part of you. The images that you let words paint inside of you will determine how you see yourself and in a broader view they will choose your destiny in this life. Words become apart of you. 

Words frequently spoken, much like poems frequently recited, trickle down deep into you until they become embedded in the very fiber of your being. And then they begin to illuminate themselves outward and become what you speak and say to others. They set the boundaries of your world and determine your limitations. 

What you think you can accomplish you will try. But if the words "can't, not, won't, shouldn't, and fail" frequent your mind, then you process these as truth and believe them. Your boundaries for what you can and can't accomplish have been set and until you remove these negatives, your boundaries will stay limited. 

When I think about words and how spoken words speak to you and become a part of you, painting your world, I am reminded of meditation. 

In English the word meditation often brings to mind the type of meditation frequently witnessed in Eastern religion. This kind of meditation requires outside silence and the meditation takes place solely in your mind. The idea is to empty yourself and mentally focus. 

But the Hebrew word for meditation is one that sparks great interest in me. It is hagah and it means to reflect, to moan, to mutter, to ponder, to make a quiet sound such as sighing; to meditate or contemplate something as one repeats the words. In Hebrew thought, to meditate on the Scriptures is to repeat them in a soft, droning sound, while utterly abandoning outside distractions. 

Hebrew meaning of meditation

This gave birth to a type of Jewish prayer called "davening" which is reciting texts, praying intense prayers, or getting lost in communion with God while bowing or rocking back and forth. 

What amazes me is that the person who prayers quietly reflects on a text or phrase and as they ponder they recite it. I'm not talking about mindless chanting which requires no thought. I'm talking about letting the words wash over you until you begin to be saturated and revelation crashes down. These words become so intense and powerful that they begin to drive a person to movement (hence the rocking back and forth). 

This type of meditation is what truly stakes the boundaries in our life. Let the words from the lips of Jesus Christ set the boundaries in your life. Let them drive you to action as you begin to "stretch out the curtain of your dwellings." 

In Isaiah 54 something which seems quite like insanity occurs. God begins to speak to childless women (which was considered shameful and the women were seen as cursed in those times) and instructs them to sing. 

"Break forth into singing and cry aloud! You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman," says the Lord. 

He goes on to tell them to "enlarge the place of your tent and stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; do not spare; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes, for you shall expand to the right and to the left , and your descendants will inherit the nations, and make the desolate cities inhabited." 

as you can see from the writing, I've spent some time here

You see, God is speaking and telling these women to saturate themselves with the Words that He speaks...to BREAK FORTH INTO SINGING when they wanted to mourn the fact that they were childless. 

When they thought that there houses should be diminished, because they had no children, He instructs them to expand. Grow your dwelling areas, increase your living space, strengthen your walls and lengthen them! Your descendants will become multitudes! Prepare for it! 

He uses words to paint an image. This image of multitudes of descendants drives these women to increase their dwellings, build additions, and prepare for children. 

When God spoke similar words to Abraham the nation of Israel was born. 

And what a miracle that it did not come from some young couple, well able and prepared for children. It came from a hundred year old man and his 90 year old wife who did not have children before, who were not able. 

So are you letting limiting words cause you to spare? Does it seem impossible? Then yes, its probably exactly what you are called to do. God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called. 

An even greater miracle comes when we empty ourselves of our own strength and capacity and do those things which only God can accomplish through our acts of obedience to His words. 

Think on the words you want to stay with you. Think on the ones that will stretch your boundaries, not shrink them. Think on the words that will cause you to spare not. Let them wash over you, let them paint a new image, let them drive you to action and enlarge the place of your territory. 

Only words? Think again. 

The winds of change...

A 'No' uttered from the deepest
conviction is better than a 'Yes'
merely uttered to please,
or worse, to avoid trouble. 

I just spent a few days working out a new menu to put up on the cupcakesforcambodia.org site. It was supposed to be a Valentine's/Spring menu, but since I procrastinated St. Valentine's Day slipped through the cracks...I still have some heart shaped cookies in the fridge though (un-iced of course because as I stated I am awful at procrastination).

The point is, there comes a time when change is necessary.

You hear a lot about change...quotes, speeches, how it is necessary, how you must accept it. How people won't except it, how they don't like change. How change is good, how change can be bad, how you create it, how you can BE the change. Quite frankly, it is tossed around so much we have a tendency to gloss over it and treat it as the overused word and concept that it is.

But when I think about how extraordinary and profound change is....it really is quite something.

And I can feel change....

I feel the winds of change blowing and moving right now. In my life and all around me.

inspired by the song "Colors of the Wind" in Pocahontas...I have always loved it because she looks as if she truly feels the wind and the change her people were about to experience

I don't mean in some overarching manor, because there are some large changes taking place. I mean I can feel a quiet change, an under-tide slowly rearranging, gently whispering and moving. The type of change that slowly manifests and tenderly sneaks up on you.

So many people get caught up in change. They get stuck in awful cliches of change, spouting slogans and touting it proudly. The change many people experience is merely themselves being swept away with the masses, conforming to and accepting the change fed and dictated to them by some great unknown source. Some source that propagates change but remains nameless and faceless. This change is the useless ineffectual change that requires no skill and an absence of mind to be apart of. I like to pass on this change.

I get excited when change happens quietly within you. I think quality change is when you set the foundation and parameters for it. When you begin a change by directing it and you start within yourself. It needn't be announced to the world and it truly requires time, focus and skill to achieve. This is the the type of change that has led to world revolutions. It is driven by conviction, paid for in blood, and believed in the heart.

Cautious, careful people, always casting 
about to preserve their 
reputations...can never effect a reform. 

Great leaders have made an eternal impact with this change. And while it is their rich words often misquoted by those who simply jumped on the band wagon without really understanding, that doesn't matter. What really matters is the conviction they felt in their heart which lead to positive forward action.

There is nothing like returning to a place
that remains unchanged to find the ways in
which you yourself have altered. 

And of course there is opposition. Sometimes no one follows, no one quotes you and greatness appears to allude you. But if you really know in your inner man that you are acting out true conviction, that you are igniting a revolution, then the actions of every other man matter not. Because in the end truth is abstract and concrete. It is not democratic, it does not need a majority vote to pass for truth. It can be hated by everyone but is remains unstained; it remains truth.

When I think of this kind of revolutionary truth I think of men like Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela, Mahatmas Gandhi and women like Susan B. Anthony and Joan of Arc.

They had convictions. They sparked revolution based on these convictions...they did not merely thrive off their frustrations or the pressures of others but really knew that they carried a truth within them that they must act upon.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. 

Regardless of imprisonment, beatings, burning, lies and gossip, murder, assassination, slander, and torture, whether it was of the mind or body, they remained steadfast and faithful. This was because they had a hope to anchor their soul. They had a dream they wished to carry into this realm of reality.

In an age where authentic truth and conviction are rare to say the least, I admire these qualities in the forefathers of the fight for justice and truth. I find that if they were capable of inciting change in entire nations and revolutions across this entire world, that I too can become the initiator for change by living out truth also.

My name need not be recorded, my actions may not ever be written in books or read by generations in years to come. But greatness isn't defined by how widespread one's actions are or how famous they become. True greatness is how successful you were at living the truth and illuminating it for others by your actions in this life.

One life is all we have
and we live it as we believe in living it.
But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, t
hat is a fate more terrible than dying. 

The truth that I seek to live out is one in which I carry serious conviction. I strive to base my entire life upon it. It is an ancient truth which transcends time, but one which is ever relevant.

And that Truth is the Word of God.

Be blessed :)

Only more love...

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa

The past few weeks seem like a blur; a frenzy of things to do, an inflow of faces and people and tears and laughs.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, my grandfather passed away. My aunt, uncle, parents, myself and grandma occupied the living room all through the night. We sang to him and talked to him and had the blessing of being able to say goodbye.

In the ensuing weeks, some of which may have been the most painful I have ever experienced, I learned a lot about love and hurt.

We spent countless hours at my grandmas, and memories came flooding back. Extended family poured through the doors, armed with food and hugs and tears and words of comfort. They were a tangible expression of love that helped to lift you when you thought that only hurt was left.

Conversations abounded and memories poured forth. My mind began to wander back to my childhood and the long summer days I spent at my grandparents house.

The memories of others and my own began to remind me just how full a life can be and what a difference it can make.

I was reminded of just how much my grandparents loved each other. Grandma was Grandpa's world. They did everything together and were practically inseparable. I can't recall a time when I remember them being apart, even for a day. They went everywhere and did everything together. Through the many extended hospital stays, my grandmother never left his side, sleeping in hospital chairs and beds regardless of whether the hospital staff liked it.

He loved his kids too. He was my Mom's hero and she was his spitting image. He was very organized and neat and worked all day long in his garden of tending the lawn. He was constantly active and full of such life. We would sit on the front porch and watch traffic and he and my mom would talk about their gardens. It is in these conversations and his words of wisdom to her that his love was conveyed, and those words that were shared we would come to treasure.

He loved me too. From the moment I walked in the door he was concerned about me, making sure that Grandma got me something to eat and drink. Often when everyone else had left the room he would lean forward in his chair and ask me if I needed any spending money, and as I got older always made sure my mother "locked me up at night."

There were times when selfishness wanted to kick in. I found myself not wanting to hug and comfort those around me and instead retreat into my own world, curl up in bed and pretend it was all a bad dream. I learned patience with others as everyone deals with grief differently and will act differently. I would like to think that I received some of the strength my grandfather possessed and instead of wallowing in my own hurt, I tried to do anything I could to help other family that was hurting. I still felt the pangs of grief at the thought of not being able to spend summers on the porch with him, or having him be at my wedding or just stopping by to talk. But I discovered the more you give of yourself, the more love you show to those around you, the less hurt there was. Love began to swallow up that hurt, it began to heal it as our family came together.

I believe in the above quote from Mother Teresa, and daresay I have experienced it. Sometimes it hurt to be around others who were grieving and still have to love them and help them and put on a smile instead of crying. I had to learn to love even when it hurt, even through the hurt, until hurt was swallowed up by love; until love abounded more than hurt and until healing began to take place. Its a process, its slow and often I hurt because I just want to be selfish and concerned about me. But I choose to let love win; to love until it hurts and even dream of the day when there will be only love.

Resolutions.

Now is the time of year when everyone reflects on what has happened the past year and what they've accomplished and what they want to change to make the next year better.

They create resolutions. After weeks of gorging on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's feasts, many resolve to lose weight, go on diets, eat healthier, exercise.... Some people make a resolution to quit bad habits (smoking, drinking too much) or to do something to make a difference.

They try to resolve to be a better person, in the vaguest of terms. People make vague general resolutions without any real plan or course of action to take to accomplish these resolutions. Many people have good intentions of accomplishing these goals, but after a few weeks the desire and willpower diminish and we find ourselves in the same cycle we have tried to escape by making resolutions.

The foundation of a resolution is hope. Hope that people can change their habits, change themselves, even change the world is what drives us every January to look back, determine the things we want to change, and then look forward with a goal in mind to make that change. Hope that we can achieve is the root of a resolution.

False hope is the real reason why many resolutions fall through. Most people determine their resolutions based on a focus of a past failure or lack of achievement. They seek to change themselves, but as they movie forward their hope soon vanishes as the focus on what they don't want to become, what they couldn't do in the past, what they haven't achieved.

Hope is not found in our past, but in our future. True hope is meant to anchor the soul so that we may stand firm on whatever we are trying to accomplish. We must have a clear cut vision of what we want the end result to be. Then, we focus on that.

hope for the future of Cambodia

When we are focused on what we want to accomplish in the future, rather than our past mistakes, we have a true hope that anchors our soul and pushes us through the hard times. When we are focused on the hope, that will bring faith and action, we make it past whatever trouble is trying to derail our hope and into the glorious light of achievement.

It is when we remove our eyes from what is ahead, and instead focus on the shortcomings of the past that we lose hope and fall back into our previous state. Hope always looks ahead. Hope always sees the good. Hope is always anchoring us to whatever we believe we can accomplish. Hope is ready to carry us through, and when paired with belief (faith) and action, will carry us through until we have accomplished what we have set out to do.

"This hope is what I anchor my soul on as I move forward..." 

Now, as we set a resolution, we must look ahead. We must see our goal, focus on it being achieved and allow hope to anchor our soul. This true hope is what will make our resolutions last all year, and into the years to come. This hope is what I anchor my soul on as I move forward, into new chapters in life. Everyday I look to who I want to be and what I want to accomplish, not who I was and didn't accomplish. And I resolve to do it.

Have hope.

Never stop sowing seed.

"Never stop sowing seed." My dad said these words with great simplicity in a poignant way.

We were driving home from our family Christmas party where close to 200 of my dad's relatives gathered to share a meal and an afternoon celebrating Christmas.

We got in the car afterwards and I could he was thinking about something. But he wouldn't say what.

The car slowed and we pulled into the cemetery and then it slowed again as my eyes lifted to a familiar sight. My grandmothers heart shaped headstone stood out quite clearly to me and I thought.

I thought about this woman who I had never met and never known but who my heart filled with love for as tears formed in my eyes. I had heard many times from my dad about how magical Christmas was growing up for him and how special it was and I knew he missed his mother greatly.

I too missed this woman who I had heard so much about. Who's love flowed down through the hearts of her 19 children. This woman who was constantly giving of everything she had. No, I had never met my grandmother but I know in my heart I aspire to be like her.

And then we stopped in front of a grave much fresher. Fresh pain comes too as we have had much loss this year in our family. We had a much larger turn out at the family party this year but there was a noticeably somber atmosphere.

This year has been a year of great growth for me. It wasn't easy or happy all the time. I used to be a very closed off person...quiet, stoic, seemingly ignorant to emotions.

But all this has changed. My heart has is open. It is feeling. I find myself confronted with tears at things that, in the past, I would have fought against responding too. I tear up when I think about the children in Cambodia who have nothing. I was greatly moved when I read an article my cousin wrote about their journey through adoption. I find that my heart has become tender to these things.

When John the Baptist was beheaded, Jesus went of to be alone. But the crowds still followed. Instead of turning them away to grieve in selfish solitude, Jesus had compassion; true charity and love and he healed their sick.

I've learned this year the importance of opening up your heart. It is not always pleasant to make yourself vulnerable, but where pain abounds, love abounds so much more.

You cannot truly give without love. I know my grandmother loved and sowed seeds of love. I know my Aunt Dot loved. And while bodies may die, those seeds never do. Like a gentle wind blows the seeds of a dandelion to various places, our seeds of love travel far beyond where we could imagine and perpetuate throughout time.

I am keenly aware now of the changes that have taken place in me and I rejoice. I am thankful for the lessons and principles learned. I am grateful for a heart full of love, open, honest. I pray for a heart like those great women in my family. A heart ready to constantly give and sow. And I will remember those words "never stop sowing." Because each seed will go out and grow. It will touch others hearts. Perhaps it will open other hearts up also. And while it is true that tender hearts feel pain, it is necessary to have a tender heart before love can flow from it. And love, like blood that is pumped through the veins, carries a healing power. It carries hope and plants seeds.

So never stop loving; never stop sowing and always keep your heart open.