Only more love...

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa

The past few weeks seem like a blur; a frenzy of things to do, an inflow of faces and people and tears and laughs.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, my grandfather passed away. My aunt, uncle, parents, myself and grandma occupied the living room all through the night. We sang to him and talked to him and had the blessing of being able to say goodbye.

In the ensuing weeks, some of which may have been the most painful I have ever experienced, I learned a lot about love and hurt.

We spent countless hours at my grandmas, and memories came flooding back. Extended family poured through the doors, armed with food and hugs and tears and words of comfort. They were a tangible expression of love that helped to lift you when you thought that only hurt was left.

Conversations abounded and memories poured forth. My mind began to wander back to my childhood and the long summer days I spent at my grandparents house.

The memories of others and my own began to remind me just how full a life can be and what a difference it can make.

I was reminded of just how much my grandparents loved each other. Grandma was Grandpa's world. They did everything together and were practically inseparable. I can't recall a time when I remember them being apart, even for a day. They went everywhere and did everything together. Through the many extended hospital stays, my grandmother never left his side, sleeping in hospital chairs and beds regardless of whether the hospital staff liked it.

He loved his kids too. He was my Mom's hero and she was his spitting image. He was very organized and neat and worked all day long in his garden of tending the lawn. He was constantly active and full of such life. We would sit on the front porch and watch traffic and he and my mom would talk about their gardens. It is in these conversations and his words of wisdom to her that his love was conveyed, and those words that were shared we would come to treasure.

He loved me too. From the moment I walked in the door he was concerned about me, making sure that Grandma got me something to eat and drink. Often when everyone else had left the room he would lean forward in his chair and ask me if I needed any spending money, and as I got older always made sure my mother "locked me up at night."

There were times when selfishness wanted to kick in. I found myself not wanting to hug and comfort those around me and instead retreat into my own world, curl up in bed and pretend it was all a bad dream. I learned patience with others as everyone deals with grief differently and will act differently. I would like to think that I received some of the strength my grandfather possessed and instead of wallowing in my own hurt, I tried to do anything I could to help other family that was hurting. I still felt the pangs of grief at the thought of not being able to spend summers on the porch with him, or having him be at my wedding or just stopping by to talk. But I discovered the more you give of yourself, the more love you show to those around you, the less hurt there was. Love began to swallow up that hurt, it began to heal it as our family came together.

I believe in the above quote from Mother Teresa, and daresay I have experienced it. Sometimes it hurt to be around others who were grieving and still have to love them and help them and put on a smile instead of crying. I had to learn to love even when it hurt, even through the hurt, until hurt was swallowed up by love; until love abounded more than hurt and until healing began to take place. Its a process, its slow and often I hurt because I just want to be selfish and concerned about me. But I choose to let love win; to love until it hurts and even dream of the day when there will be only love.

Resolutions.

Now is the time of year when everyone reflects on what has happened the past year and what they've accomplished and what they want to change to make the next year better.

They create resolutions. After weeks of gorging on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's feasts, many resolve to lose weight, go on diets, eat healthier, exercise.... Some people make a resolution to quit bad habits (smoking, drinking too much) or to do something to make a difference.

They try to resolve to be a better person, in the vaguest of terms. People make vague general resolutions without any real plan or course of action to take to accomplish these resolutions. Many people have good intentions of accomplishing these goals, but after a few weeks the desire and willpower diminish and we find ourselves in the same cycle we have tried to escape by making resolutions.

The foundation of a resolution is hope. Hope that people can change their habits, change themselves, even change the world is what drives us every January to look back, determine the things we want to change, and then look forward with a goal in mind to make that change. Hope that we can achieve is the root of a resolution.

False hope is the real reason why many resolutions fall through. Most people determine their resolutions based on a focus of a past failure or lack of achievement. They seek to change themselves, but as they movie forward their hope soon vanishes as the focus on what they don't want to become, what they couldn't do in the past, what they haven't achieved.

Hope is not found in our past, but in our future. True hope is meant to anchor the soul so that we may stand firm on whatever we are trying to accomplish. We must have a clear cut vision of what we want the end result to be. Then, we focus on that.

hope for the future of Cambodia

When we are focused on what we want to accomplish in the future, rather than our past mistakes, we have a true hope that anchors our soul and pushes us through the hard times. When we are focused on the hope, that will bring faith and action, we make it past whatever trouble is trying to derail our hope and into the glorious light of achievement.

It is when we remove our eyes from what is ahead, and instead focus on the shortcomings of the past that we lose hope and fall back into our previous state. Hope always looks ahead. Hope always sees the good. Hope is always anchoring us to whatever we believe we can accomplish. Hope is ready to carry us through, and when paired with belief (faith) and action, will carry us through until we have accomplished what we have set out to do.

"This hope is what I anchor my soul on as I move forward..." 

Now, as we set a resolution, we must look ahead. We must see our goal, focus on it being achieved and allow hope to anchor our soul. This true hope is what will make our resolutions last all year, and into the years to come. This hope is what I anchor my soul on as I move forward, into new chapters in life. Everyday I look to who I want to be and what I want to accomplish, not who I was and didn't accomplish. And I resolve to do it.

Have hope.

Never stop sowing seed.

"Never stop sowing seed." My dad said these words with great simplicity in a poignant way.

We were driving home from our family Christmas party where close to 200 of my dad's relatives gathered to share a meal and an afternoon celebrating Christmas.

We got in the car afterwards and I could he was thinking about something. But he wouldn't say what.

The car slowed and we pulled into the cemetery and then it slowed again as my eyes lifted to a familiar sight. My grandmothers heart shaped headstone stood out quite clearly to me and I thought.

I thought about this woman who I had never met and never known but who my heart filled with love for as tears formed in my eyes. I had heard many times from my dad about how magical Christmas was growing up for him and how special it was and I knew he missed his mother greatly.

I too missed this woman who I had heard so much about. Who's love flowed down through the hearts of her 19 children. This woman who was constantly giving of everything she had. No, I had never met my grandmother but I know in my heart I aspire to be like her.

And then we stopped in front of a grave much fresher. Fresh pain comes too as we have had much loss this year in our family. We had a much larger turn out at the family party this year but there was a noticeably somber atmosphere.

This year has been a year of great growth for me. It wasn't easy or happy all the time. I used to be a very closed off person...quiet, stoic, seemingly ignorant to emotions.

But all this has changed. My heart has is open. It is feeling. I find myself confronted with tears at things that, in the past, I would have fought against responding too. I tear up when I think about the children in Cambodia who have nothing. I was greatly moved when I read an article my cousin wrote about their journey through adoption. I find that my heart has become tender to these things.

When John the Baptist was beheaded, Jesus went of to be alone. But the crowds still followed. Instead of turning them away to grieve in selfish solitude, Jesus had compassion; true charity and love and he healed their sick.

I've learned this year the importance of opening up your heart. It is not always pleasant to make yourself vulnerable, but where pain abounds, love abounds so much more.

You cannot truly give without love. I know my grandmother loved and sowed seeds of love. I know my Aunt Dot loved. And while bodies may die, those seeds never do. Like a gentle wind blows the seeds of a dandelion to various places, our seeds of love travel far beyond where we could imagine and perpetuate throughout time.

I am keenly aware now of the changes that have taken place in me and I rejoice. I am thankful for the lessons and principles learned. I am grateful for a heart full of love, open, honest. I pray for a heart like those great women in my family. A heart ready to constantly give and sow. And I will remember those words "never stop sowing." Because each seed will go out and grow. It will touch others hearts. Perhaps it will open other hearts up also. And while it is true that tender hearts feel pain, it is necessary to have a tender heart before love can flow from it. And love, like blood that is pumped through the veins, carries a healing power. It carries hope and plants seeds.

So never stop loving; never stop sowing and always keep your heart open.

Thank You!

It's been a crazy week.

7 pounds of butter, 8 pounds of flour, 4 pounds of sugar, dozens of eggs and many sleepless nights later I realize how big and how fast Cupcakes for Cambodia grew.

I expected a few orders here and there...

I thought maybe some people might be interested in the cause.

What truly blesses my heart is too see orders pouring in and people freely giving donations just to help out.

I thought that things would be slow at first, but boy was I wrong. I pretty much have to stop taking Christmas orders because my schedule is jam packed (or else I'll have a night like I did last night where I ran out of sugar at 4:30 in the morning and still had cupcakes to bake. I finished them the next morning after a very much needed 2 hours of sleep).

And I am by no means complaining. I am simply in awe of how much people are willing to give (I am also in awe of how many cupcakes some people can eat hehe :)

So this is a simple thank you to everyone to everyone who has contributed through ordering, donating, building the website, supporting and helping, and telling others.

I would also like to thank SEAPC and everyone involved who on a daily basis gives of themselves to provide children in Southeast Asia a home, food, education, the Bible, medical care and so forth. The more I get to know those in Asia and those in America, the more I am awed, inspired, and thankful for each and every one of you!

I truly appreciate you and wish you blessings to you and yours this Christmas season.

Dream

Let me just preface this blog with a side note that as I sit here and write this, the weather is absolutely perfect for writing. It is December and while I would love snow, I really don't mind a soft gentle rain pattering down on the roof while I write. In fact, it may be my favorite weather for writing in.

Anyway, sometimes inspiration comes at the oddest of times and when you least expect it. I just spent my weekend doing absolutely nothing as I recovered from all the baking and working last week and in preparation for the next 2 weeks of baking as Christmas quietly approaches. So I wasn't trying to think deep thoughts or really even think about anything...I was really focused on sleeping and doing nothing.

But then I picked up a book, which transported me to another dimension you can say, and once the thoughts got going, I just ran with them.

I've been thinking dreams lately. I guess you could say the idea of "dreams" the notion of it, the imagination, the beauty of its wild wanderings has always been with me. I've thought about dreams a lot. I would consider myself a dreamer.

a dimension of dreams.

One of the favorite stories of my childhood that my dad tells about me was when he took me to Mosquito Lake one time when I was about 3 or 4. It was a beautiful sunny day and he said that as we were getting out of the car the Lord spoke to him and said, "Watch her." This was not like a "watch her, something bad is going to try to happen," but more of a "watch her, watch how she acts and thinks and what her mindset and imagination is." He proceeds to tell how, with childlike innocence devoid of any prejudice or preconceived ideas, walked up to an older African American gentleman who was fishing and started a conversation about how his fishing was going, not caring about the color of his skin, his age or income or background.

When we were through with our adventure that day and started walking back to the car, I laid down on the pavement and told my dad, "Lay down and lets watch the clouds."

I love that.

I love how the imagination of a child works. Unless they have been preconditioned or taught otherwise, they are not bound by societies limitations regarding income, race, family background, religion, tax brackets, political parties or professions.I love how children don't think about whether doing something like laying down in the parking lot will look foolish or not.

And every once in a while I find the need to rid myself of all those ridiculous boundaries and prejudices that have snuck their way in too.

I like to be free to dream the impossible, the improbable, the unlikely, the unknown.

I like to take those cloudy areas and just lay down and watch them become clear cut goals in my mind.

My favorite movie growing up was Pocahontas. I loved the beauty of her wild freedom, the way that she seemed bound by nothing and her attitude that anything was possible. I think that stuck with me.

I have always sensed purpose. I have always sensed the need for freedom and imagination. I didn't necessarily say, "Hey, I dream of baking and taking a trip to Cambodia and trying to help children over there."

painting I did to serve as a little reminder :)

But I did allow myself to dream big, so when the time came I didn't automatically limit myself and say "I can't do that I'm only 18. Its not really going to make that big of an impact. I don't have time. I didn't even graduate from highschool."

I really don't believe that we were created with that kind of thinking. And I love talking to other people who dream. I recently had some great conversations with people. And when you start bouncing back ideas off of each other and there is no one there to instantly throw up barriers and questions, its amazing to see what you are capable of dreaming.

How big, how wide, how long, what kind, how far, where?

These questions should be asked and answered with the intention of creating a solution to fit the enormity of your dream, not as a doubtful response and excuse to not do something.

So I think that this is the season to start dreaming. Without dreams , nothing great could be accomplished. This is an easy task because Christmas is coming and the hope and energy that surrounds this season gives us the ability to dream easier.

Just start. Just do it. It doesn't matter if it is one of those wild thoughts that runs across your mind like wild mustangs across plains. Run with it...just see what happens.

:)

Believe!

This is quite possibly the most wonderful time of the year.

There are so many things that I just love as fall slides into winter and holiday preparations begin. I like waking up to freshly fallen snow, breathing in deeply the cold clean December air. I like crackling fires and black and white Christmas movies. 

first snowfall of the year

But most of all, I love this time of year for what happens to the human spirit. Some people say its a "magical" time of the year. I prefer to say that it is a time when believing becomes alive and faith becomes real. There is expectancy in the air, and generosity in hearts. 

I believe is a special time because, for the most part, people and put aside their differences and focus, with a united mind, on others. I feel love and compassion well up on the inside of me when I see acts of kindness and generosity. 

Call me naive, but I still think that its the one time of year where people think less about themselves and more giving towards others. Just walk pass people crowded around present donation booths in the mall, or long lines at the Salvation army gift wrap centers. Look at local rescue missions, food banks, churches and charities to see volunteers who give their time and energy with a smile on their face and joy in their heart.

I also love time with family, the tradition baking, cooking and feasting, present wrapping, tree decorating.

   

But what I most love about this time of the year is hope, belief and faith. The air is full of hope, expectancy. In in the midst of the most desperate of times, there is a hope that surrounds this time of year. The hopes of the hopeless are filled with hope and perhaps even belief that Christmas miracles still do exist. Movies like Miracle on 34th Street express this sentiment, and the importance of belief in faith in our lives. Believe that goodness still exists and is active in the lives of others. Believe in the impossible, impractical, and unconquerable. Believe in the unseen and unknown.There is the warmth and a renewed faith as I watch human beings give of themselves for others, their spouses, and children. There is excitement and buzz in the air. That is hope incubating in the hearts of people. Hope and expectancy for the season. Hope that dispels the darkness and brings joy. And as that hope continues to grow in hearts, it spills over into acts of love, bursts of joy, smiles on faces, and faith in action. Yes, I love this season most because of the hope and belief that surrounds the season and the contagious effects it causes. Be blessed and filled with hope and belief this Christmas season! 

Simple.

The other day I decided to clean out my room.

You see when I was in Cambodia and Laos my wonderful mother painted my room, bought me a new desk, and bedding. And when I came back I found the bags she had put all the stuff in that was in my desk.

And now, about 2 months later, they are still there.

Sitting...taking up space...getting in the way.

So I started going through all the bags. I had grand visions of carrying my new bookshelves up to my room and arranging everything perfectly, neatly, and in order. I imagined sectioning off part of my room and dedicating it to baking supplies/bookies/study material.

But I started going through the bags.

At the top of my first bag was some electronic stuff. My iPhone packaging, warranties on my keyboard, the first guitar string that I ever changed (I'm an incurable senitmentalist).

But then I got to the good stuff.

Stacks of colored paper from the past three years of academic decathlon. It had consumed my life, and at one time I felt so connected and that it was so important that I absolutely had to save some of the resource guides (especially social science from my junior year when I won a gold medal and economics because I was the wiz kid for economics).

And of course....poetry. Poetry all the way back from about 7th grade. Sappy, disgusting, "what was I thinking when I wrote that?" poetry during those awful middle school years when you were lovesick constantly.

Thank God for his grace and the maturing process.

Poetry was for many years my way of releasing thoughts and feelings. I was never good at keeping a journal so I wrote. Sonnets, free verse, sometimes just short descriptive passages...there was alot of it.

Decathlon materials I can see parting with but my poetry? It held so many memories, the fragility of my youth, the thoughts and experiences of my adolescence, my dreams and imagination running wild.

But it was a part of me that I right then and there decided to let go of. It was something that should have been done long ago.

I guess when I came home from my trip overseas (the first of many more to come!) my focus, perspective, and fervency changed.

I wanted a fresh start and a simpler approach to life, and hanging onto my immaturity and the childish play-things of my youth would not help. I felt suddenly deep inside in that moment that I walked to the trash can with all my youth behind me that I had just stepped into my mature, adult life.

Life is alot like the condition of my room was.

Often times we lose focus and sight of our goals and get distracted. It happens to me all the time. I know the plan, its simple and just requires focus and dedication. And then I think "I really need to learn how to use twitter, I'm so technologically impaired," "I need to work on my relationships with friends and my social life," "I need to work on my wardrobe."

In reality, none of it really matters. Because by the time I master twitter a newer social media network will come out that I'll be clueless about. By the time I've wasted three paychecks on updating my wardrobe next seasons styles will hit the runways. And by the time I set up coffee appointments with friends I'll be so stressed about fitting them all in and trying to be pleasant that I won't even enjoy it.

It's not that there is anything wrong with new clothes, social media, or my friends, but I realize now that its not the main focus. When you focus on the main thing, all the minor things fall into line because my priorities are straight.

The same is true with baking. I work best when I start with a kitchen that is mess free, with all the ingredients where they should be and all the equipment cleaned and put away.

I've so enjoyed some of the conversations I've had with my friends overseas because (especially when we talk about the Word) they confirm this simplicity of life.

So I'm trying to live life without all the complications, and its pretty simple.

Find the plan. Follow it.


1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.I have put away my clutter filled childhood and have stepped into an adulthood where trusting God and following His plan to live a simple life is my focus. 

Simple.